Christmas is three months away. What? I hear you asking. Atheists do Christmas? Sure! Why not? It’s the end of the year, everyone has vacation time to use, and what’s wrong with spending a little time being nice to people? Especially when there is a chance those people will give you presents?
Speaking of presents, here are some toys I want from Santa this year. You will find that they are very practical and reasonably priced. Sort of.
1. Ibanez S7320 7-String Electric Guitar
Ain’t she a beauty? I need it so I can keep doing silly crap like this. That seventh string is what will help me really find that sound I want for my fake band, Clown Stigmata. We (which is to say, I) are going for sort of a Ministry vibe, but with that deep crunchy sound that bands like Killswitch Engage and Meshuggah have found. I have a really good guitar now, a Fender Stratocaster, but it has a couple of problems. First, Strats are not really made for this kind of music. Straight-up rock-‘n’-roll or punk, sure, but not so much for heavy metal. And it only has six stings. Second, the guitar is not actually mine. My good friend Dan Telfer loaned it to me a few years ago and has been kind enough to let me hold on to it and play it ever since. But, like America’s debt to China, if he ever wants it back I’m kinda stuck. So you guys can help me out with that.
The guitar is my one frivolous Christmas request. Everything else is stuff I need for work, like this:
2. Rogue Steel Cup Hilt Rapier
Ooh, and Ahh! I do own a rapier already, with a sixteenth-century German style swept hilt. It’s very pretty, but I have issues with it. First of all, somebody painted the damn thing, which is annoying. And it needs a new blade, because the one it has now is ridiculously heavy and has “Made In China” stamped on it. I really don’t know how well it would hold up in performances. But the rapier in this image, made by Neil Massey, has a nice classic look that would go great in almost any period piece. Give me a black leather grip and a diamond Schlager blade and I’m set. And Mr. Massey makes great stuff. You just know it’s gonna hold up.
Now, if I have a rapier, I’m gonna need a dagger. So, next up on my list is this:
Girthy, ain’t it? And it is often paired with the cup hilt rapier, so there ya go.
Of course, I would be more than happy to go the more traditional route and take one of these:
And then there’s always the chance I’ll get a crack at the Scottish Play again, so I’m definitely gonna need one of these:
5. Rogue Steel Hand and a Half Broadsword
Oh. Hell. Yeah.
So, I’ll let you all discuss this list amongst yourselves. I love to be surprised!
Why do I feel like this particular blog entry was directed towards myself? Hmm?
Yes, unfortunately that guitar was a gift so I have a sentimental attachment to it.
What I should REALLY ask for back is the X-Box games I lent you a few years ago. I may not have much time to play them, but I have more time than I do money for new games.
Also, I think one of the only reasons I miss theater is because I feel like the opportunity to own a single handed broadsword FOR A REASON has passed me by.
Dude, I want to see THAT Santa’s bag! Awesome blades there!
Funny. As I was driving Freddie home from soccer practice last night, he mentioned that many of his favorite HM bands’ guitarists had switched to seven-string guitars, meaning that Freddie could no longer do the painstakingly exact replications of Alexi Leiho guitar solos that he labors on in his room.
This also hints that the $600 ESP V-500 we bought him LAST MONTH is now obsolete. Feh.
Yeah, that seventh string is all the rage these days in metal. Steve Vai pioneered the use of the instrument back in the late ’80s, but Korn really were the first to create a sound that relied upon it. And it’s getting worse; Meshuggah, one of my favorite bands, uses eight-string monstrosities. They sound amazing, though.
By invoking Korn you completely invalidated the instrument.
Dan – I considered just now going into a lengthy bout of Korn apologetics, but it occurs to me that after ten or so years of comparing tastes in music, movies, books, etc., we know where we agree and where we differ. So I will summarize my thoughts on your comment by saying, “Pfft. Whatever.”
Damnit, and I was pushing your buttons on purpose! I suppose it’s for the best since I have no intelligent way to insult Korn. Just very obvious, petty insults.
I want a new chainsaw. That’s all I want.