It’s my 40th birthday. I am not amused.

When I thought about writing this post, my intention was to talk about all the reasons I wanted a do-over for my 30’s. It’s not exactly a secret that I’ve been having some financial difficulties that are keeping me up at night, and I’ve been feeling the weight of turning 40 with a keen awareness of all the mistakes I’ve made over the last ten years. But when I really tried to list all the specific things I’d do differently if I had the chance, all I could really come up with was, “I would be better about money.” Whatever that means.

When I turned 30 I was working in the sales department at Facets Multimedia, I was rehearsing A Clockwork Orange for Defiant Theatre, and I was getting ready to get married, which happened a week after Clockwork closed. That was a fun weekend. The last decade had its ups and downs, but more ups than downs, I think. I’ve met some incredible people who are now some of my closest friends. I’ve done some work of which I am immeasurably proud. I’ve actually gotten paid to write stuff. I shot a movie. I was on TV.

During a high point, when I was comfortable in my day job and my theatre career was on the rise, my wife and I bought a condo. In hindsight, this may have been ill-advised. We love this place; if only we could really afford it. But I still daydream of that big break, that brilliant gig that will solve all my problems. I worry that I’m too old to harbor fantasies like that, but I can’t help it.

I started my first blog when I was 30. It was an ambitious attempt to chronicle a D&D campaign in prose form. Those three or four chapters still exist online somewhere. Perhaps one of these days I’ll dig them up and post them again, for nostalgia’s sake. In the meantime, I’ve got a number of things I should be doing, and a number of other things I want to do. I think I have a clearer idea now of the direction I’d like my life to take than I did ten years ago. I don’t know if I have any more of a clue how to make it happen, though. Fingers crossed, I’ll get that sorted out before I turn fifty.