Christmas is three months away. What? I hear you asking. Atheists do Christmas? Sure! Why not? It’s the end of the year, everyone has vacation time to use, and what’s wrong with spending a little time being nice to people? Especially when there is a chance those people will give you presents?
Speaking of presents, here are some toys I want from Santa this year. You will find that they are very practical and reasonably priced. Sort of.
Ain’t she a beauty? I need it so I can keep doing silly crap like this. That seventh string is what will help me really find that sound I want for my fake band, Clown Stigmata. We (which is to say, I) are going for sort of a Ministry vibe, but with that deep crunchy sound that bands like Killswitch Engage and Meshuggah have found. I have a really good guitar now, a Fender Stratocaster, but it has a couple of problems. First, Strats are not really made for this kind of music. Straight-up rock-‘n’-roll or punk, sure, but not so much for heavy metal. And it only has six stings. Second, the guitar is not actually mine. My good friend Dan Telfer loaned it to me a few years ago and has been kind enough to let me hold on to it and play it ever since. But, like America’s debt to China, if he ever wants it back I’m kinda stuck. So you guys can help me out with that.
The guitar is my one frivolous Christmas request. Everything else is stuff I need for work, like this:
Ooh, and Ahh! I do own a rapier already, with a sixteenth-century German style swept hilt. It’s very pretty, but I have issues with it. First of all, somebody painted the damn thing, which is annoying. And it needs a new blade, because the one it has now is ridiculously heavy and has “Made In China” stamped on it. I really don’t know how well it would hold up in performances. But the rapier in this image, made by Neil Massey, has a nice classic look that would go great in almost any period piece. Give me a black leather grip and a diamond Schlager blade and I’m set. And Mr. Massey makes great stuff. You just know it’s gonna hold up.
Now, if I have a rapier, I’m gonna need a dagger. So, next up on my list is this:
Of course, I would be more than happy to go the more traditional route and take one of these:
And then there’s always the chance I’ll get a crack at the Scottish Play again, so I’m definitely gonna need one of these:
So, I’ll let you all discuss this list amongst yourselves. I love to be surprised!