We are having Internet issues right now. That is to say, Comcast is having issues, and they are taking it out on me and my wife.

About four or five weeks ago our Internet connection crapped out. It was fine one minute, the next I was in Page Not Found world. We let it go for about a day before we decided it wasn’t coming back on its own. I called Comcast, and the friendly operator took me through a series of troubleshooting steps before determining that my connection was indeed fucked. I made an appointment for a technician to come to the apartment and fix it. Later that day I received a voice-mail suggesting that the problem may have been fixed remotely, along with a number to call in case I wanted to cancel the appointment. Turns out our connection was back, so I called and canceled.

Two weeks later I had to repeat the whole process. Internet goes out; I call and make an appointment; the Internet comes back; I cancel the appointment. Everything was fine again, at least for a few more weeks. Then, last Friday morning, no more Internet. Again. I called Comcast and talked to a very friendly, very helpful man whose name I do not remember. He ran some tests — or at least he clacked on his keyboard and said he ran some tests — and determined that there was indeed something wrong with the signal coming into the apartment. He suggested I make another appointment, but this time I was to keep the appointment even if the connection resumed. I was in luck; an appointment slot was available that very afternoon.

The four-hour appointment window came and went, and no Comcast. I had places to go, and listening to Comcast’s hold music had already burned a good way through my available cell phone minutes. I resolved to try again the next morning. On Saturday I spoke to a woman who sounded like she was on the verge of panic. This was before she tried to set up a new appointment for me, and then failed miserably at the task. For reasons still unclear the operator was unable to make any changes to my account, and could not change the previous appointment time, even though it was a day later. The best she could do was ask me to please call back on Sunday.

Which I did.

After sitting on hold for another twenty minutes I spoke to another operator who informed me that she was in North Carolina. She also informed me that nobody showed up at my apartment on Friday because the work order was, for reasons passing comprehension, transmitted to a technician who was based out of Portland. Oregon? Maine? Who gives a fuck? Either one is over a thousand miles from my house.

Now I am told that a technician will be at my home by ten o’clock tomorrow morning. Best case scenario, I’m back online by lunch tomorrow. I will have gone four days without Internet service at my home. I think perhaps my next phone call to Comcast should be regarding a discount to my next month’s bill. I wonder how long I’d have to wait on hold listening to Yanni before that conversation takes place.